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#BloodBossBabes

By Rachel Kolar

 

Hey Girl!

From: Amy Shearer (serpentsisteramy@sotesh.com)

To: Heather McBride (mcheather@ymail.com)

 

Hey, girlfriend! Love looking at your beautiful family on Insta. And congrats on getting into grad school—that’s HUGE!

Furthering your education while raising a family takes so much dedication, and that’s why I think you’d be AMAZING on my team. For the past six months, I’ve been offering blood libations to Sotesh, Mother of Serpents, and let me tell you, it has changed my life! I get to set my own schedule, bleeding the unbelievers when it’s convenient for me. I have the security of knowing that when Sotesh comes in Her glory, I’ll be spared the worst of Her wrath. And She gives Her faithful THE BEST gifts! Just last week, I hit Green Level and was blessed with the ability to shed my soft warm-blood skin. Check out these before and after pics—my acne is COMPLETELY gone! #CobraClear #WhiteheadsAreForWarmbloods

I’m looking to pick up some acolytes, and you’d be a natural. Let me know if you’re interested! And give my love to Jason and the kids. <3

XOXOXO,

Amy

Re: Re: Hey Girl!

From: Amy Shearer (serpentsisteramy@sotesh.com)

To: Heather McBride (mcheather@ymail.com)

 

LOLOL! No no nooooooo, the Sisterhood of Sotesh is NOT a demonic murder cult. Murder is ILLEGAL and I would never be part of something like that. I don’t know where Jason gets those ideas! He must have heard about groups like the Order of the Bleeding Maw. They’re a demonic murder cult, and they make legitimate religions like the Sisterhood look bad. We’re just a badass network of women empowering women to empower the Devourer of All Flesh.

Jason should be all for this, though, because joining the Sisterhood will help your whole family! I know how lonely the mom thing can be, and it’s been SUCH a support for me to have all these awesome blood boss babes on my side. You can’t take care of the fam if you can’t take care of yourself, right mama? Plus, your blood libations can earn all sorts of treats and blessings for the kiddos! My little Paisleigh just started tasting the air, and baking cookies with her has never been so fun.

Let me know when you’re ready to make your first sacrifice!

XOXOXO,

Amy

 

Re: Just a few questions

From: Amy Shearer (serpentsisteramy@sotesh.com)

To: Heather McBride (mcheather@ymail.com)

 

Hey girl! You are SO SMART to ask all these questions—this is why I’ve always admired you. <3

I had a lot of questions at first, too, but joining was SO worth it. I remember what my Sunday mornings used to look like—running around, putting the kids in clothes that they hated, and ignoring them for an hour, right? And they couldn’t play soccer because of all the Sunday morning games. But with Sotesh, I get to set my own worship hours, and all that is over! I wouldn’t trade the friends Paisleigh and Jaxtyn made in soccer for anything. #GoHuntsvilleHatchlings

And it’s not just the scheduling, it’s the peace of mind. I go to sleep every night knowing that when Sotesh comes in Her glory, my fam won’t be devoured in flames along with the other soft-skins. What kind of mama would I be if I couldn’t shed a few drops for my kiddos’ futures?

Tell you what, you take all the time you need to think about it. You’re a smart lady, and I know you’ll be happy no matter what you choose!

XOXOXO,

Amy

 

Serpent Sistahs!

From: Amy Shearer (serpentsisteramy@sotesh.com)

To: Heather McBride (mcheather@ymail.com)

 

EEEEEEEEEEEEEK! OMG, I’m SO EXCITED to have you on board, hun! You are going to ROCK this!

I’ve attached everything you need for your first libation. I know a pint sounds like a lot, but really, it’s what the Red Cross takes, and people donate blood all the time, right? And even if you decide the Sisterhood isn’t for you, your sacrifice still gets you those bitching fangs, and you don’t HAVE to use them to drain blood for Her Dark Majesty. They’re great for cutting through packing tape. And hey . . . Jason might find some fun uses for them, hot stuff!

One other important thing: Sotesh demands a libation on the night of each full moon. But good news—it doesn’t have to come from you! Go on social media and let everyone know how much the Sisterhood has changed your life, and your friends will be begging to throw in a pint! And you can always ask a gal pal out for coffee and see if she’ll let you bite her at the end of the date. If she’s a real friend, she’ll be happy to open her veins in praises of Her All-Devouring Magnificence.

Welcome aboard, serpent sistah!

XOXOXO,

Amy

 

Re: FIRST SACRIFICE!!!!!

From: Amy Shearer (serpentsisteramy@sotesh.com)

To: Heather McBride (mcheather@ymail.com)

 

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! OMG, you are SMASHING your goals like the skulls of Sotesh’s prey! Don’t knock it, sister—a tablespoon is nothing to sneeze at, and I just KNOW that it’s the first of many to come!

About banking it until the next full moon: noooo! It sounds like a good idea, but the smart thing is to invest it in blessings from the Great One. Once you’ve gained more of Her gifts, you’ll really get those libations pouring out. Just a few more tablespoons and you’ll have half a cup, which gets you those GORGEOUS golden slit-pupil eyes. The minute somebody sees them, they’ll be dying to hear about how Sotesh has changed your life! Or if you REALLY want to treat yourself, you can pour out another pint and get the power to perform a sinuous, mesmeric dance. Can you imagine how you’ll be able to bring the blood cascading in when you can entice your prey like that?

I know you only have a tablespoon for now, but if you have to, you can put in just a little more from yourself until more comes in. Because more is coming in! Believe in Sotesh, and She’ll believe in you!

XOXOXO,

Amy

 

Re: Coffee

From: Amy Shearer (serpentsisteramy@sotesh.com)

To: Heather McBride (mcheather@ymail.com)

 

Ugh, no offense, but your sister sounds like a total neg-ferret! I can’t BELIEVE she isn’t supporting you! Your body makes half again as much blood when you’re pregnant, so it’s not like she can’t spare a cup. I HATE when stupid cows like that won’t support other women!

Deep breaths, mama. You can do this before the full moon gets here! And even if you can’t—and that’s a big if!—it won’t hurt to bleed yourself once, right? Just while you build up your base. Everybody has to do that sometimes—it’s no big.

Speaking of your base: I know you’re working the one-time libations, but have you been recruiting acolytes? Every new member of the Sisterhood helps to hasten the glorious coming of Sotesh, and some of the blood from your acolytes’ libations gets credited to you, so you don’t have to gather so much. Plus you get the coolest perks when you convert unbelievers! You saw my sweet Green Level scales. And only acolytes of Pink Level or higher will get thralls of our when She comes in Her glory!

Go out and get bleeding. You’ve got this!

XOXOXO,

Amy

 

Re: Worried

From: Amy Shearer (serpentsisteramy@sotesh.com)

To: Heather McBride (mcheather@ymail.com)

 

I am not loving your attitude. Or Jason’s attitude. I really think you’re letting his negativity affect you. Look, I know the full moon is tomorrow, but it’s one full moon. It won’t kill you to give a pint of your own this once. And while we’re at it, I know you already shed for the golden eyes and the starter fangs, but why didn’t you pony up for hibernation powers instead of the unhinging jaw? Another pint wouldn’t feel like so much if you could sleep for a week after.

Look, it’s hard, but stay positive. Put on your makeup, drink your coffee, and don’t let anyone tell you that you look pale. Pale is a state of mind, hun! Remember, “ANEMIA” stands for “Allowing Negative Energy to Muzzle Ideas and Actions.” Anyone who says you’re pale is a jealous hater trying to drag you down, and if there’s one thing Sotesh can’t stand, it’s haters. Just keep smiling and telling everyone how great the eyes and the jaw are. When they see how happy you are, they’ll want to get in on it, too. Fake it till you make it, blood boss babe!

And seriously, stop listening to Jason. Whatever you need to do to get that negativity out of your life, do it. You don’t want Sotesh blaming you or the kids for his mood-hoovering, do you?

XOXOXO,

Amy

 

Re: Second Thoughts

From: Amy Shearer (serpentsisteramy@sotesh.com)

To: Heather McBride (mcheather@ymail.com)

 

No no no no nooooooo, I did not tell you to pony up for hibernation powers right now. I said that IF YOU HAD DONE IT BEFORE, you’d be fine. OF COURSE now you don’t have enough blood left for tonight, not even if you hibernate after. FFS, did you even read the welcome packet?

Look, you have everything going for you right now. You’re up to four powers! You should be getting sacrifices by the gallon! Stop blaming me and Sotesh for your bad choices. If you blame anyone, it should be Jason for not supporting you in your new life.

Work it out. Do whatever you need to do. Whatever you need to do. Or Sotesh will be PISSED.

XOXOXO,

Amy

 

Re: Heather

From: Amy Shearer (mawmama@ootbm.com)

To: Jen Bradshaw (jenniferbradshaw89@woohoo.com)

 

Hey girl!

So good to hear from you! OMG, I couldn’t believe when I heard about Heather, either. And no, of course I didn’t tell her to bleed her husband to death! Some people just aren’t cut out for the religious life. It’s sad.

I mean, it doesn’t help that the Sisterhood of Sotesh was kind of a racket. They’re supposed to be all about sisterhood, but a snake is kind of phallic for that, amiright? Plus Sotesh’s infernal gifts are total crap. I won’t lie, I followed her for, like, five minutes, but my left fang broke right away. Lame.

I’m so lucky I’ve found a real religion. Have you heard about the Order of the Bleeding Maw? I’ve just joined, and it’s been a life changer. Forget about all that Sotesh anemia nonsense—when blood drips out of your family’s mouths 24/7, you always know where to find more if you’re running low! And I’m never going to need to buy lipstick again, which is amaaaaaaaaazing for my budget.

I’m super glad you reached out, because I’m looking for a new acolyte to join my team. Let me know if you’re interested—you’d be a natural!

XOXOXO,

Amy